Life in Chaos

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up feeling great, only to be thrown into chaos with bad news. Maybe it was the death of a loved one and dear friend, or your parent was diagnosed with dementia, or the diagnosis of cancer in your son, or drug addiction hitting your family. For me it wasn't just one of those things, it was all of them. Not in one day mind, you, but in one year. Yeah, that year wasn't much fun. That year was 2016 for me.

It started in January after my son told me he had testicular cancer. He was only 33 and is the father of 3 beautiful girls. He went through a very successful surgery that seemed to get all the cancer. We are praying it doesn't come back. 

A couple of months later my best friend's cancer count was on the rise and chemo stopped working. She was put on hospice. She passed away in June.

A week later another family member began having medical issues. They skyrocketed to the point where they said he didn't have much longer to live. He was then put on hospice and my summer was spent in constant care, sometimes overnight, and kept me and my husband apart a lot as we took turns providing care. Thankfully the diagnosis was incorrect and with the help of medication he became more stable, but he does have some form of dementia.

Through all this I was helping my mother who was diagnosed with congestive heart failure the year before. I thought we were going to lose her in December but she began to improve. So much so that we went on a short trip in March. It was good to see her enjoying life again. Then at the end of summer she got sick, and her body couldn't fight off the infection. We lost her in August.

Through all this another family member was becoming addicted to drugs. It was becoming apparent and led to some pretty severe consequences. Loving and helping a family member through opioid addiction is down right ugly. I know, I have been there. Again I am thankful to say they are in recovery and clean for several months now.

Oh and that son that had surgery in January to remove cancer ended the year in surgery to remove his appendix. It was a scary emergency that sort of threw us into chaos, caring for kids as his wife cared for him.

Thankfully I know the Lord Jesus Christ. Without Him I don't know how I would have made it through that year. I leaned on Him for strength to get me through the sleepless nights, the tears of pain, and the answers for how to move forward. Knowing this world is not my home and that we will all one day die may it easier. I know that God is is control.

It has taken me awhile process all of this grief, and I am certain I am not done. I know that I have grown through it all in a way that I would not have had I been spared the pain. I am thankful for each and every trial and how it has shaped me to be more patient, empathetic, and to rely more on God rather than myself.

It's now January 2018. Last year was a much better year but I am just now starting to get a rhythm to what an ordinary day is like.  In the mean time I have neglected my health. I have gained weight as I turned to junk and fast food diets to get me through the day. Partly out of convenience, partly out of comfort. This year I am going to try to do better.

My goals are:

Read the Bible through in a year
Pray daily
Exercise 3-5 times per week
Eat healthier (already gave up diet soda)
Read 52 books (half for pleasure and half for fun)

Here's to a New Year filled not merely with happiness, but with a peace that comes from God. A peace not dependent on our circumstances but on a trust that no matter what may come, God alone will see us through.